Tw/ suicide
Football saved my life. It’s simple really.
In December of 2019 my long time partner ended the relationship abruptly and my already declining mental state spiralled into depression and anxiety. I was in the middle of my second year at uni, hated half the people I lived with and had mould in my room the letting company wouldn’t fix, I was at one the lowest points of my life. There was however, one positive in my life, football.
When I say this I don’t just mean Chelsea (although we did hit a decent run around that time) I mean football in general. I started talking about it more on Twitter, started watching more and started reading about the sport too. This not only let me have an escape from the suicidal thoughts and crushing feelings of loss and despair, but it also led to me thinking about football in new ways. This newfound love manifested in me writing a university essay based upon the book soccernomics (which I recommend to everyone, fascinating read) as well as my obsession with football manager.
From January to the start of lockdown you’d find me in the pub every weekend watching every game and every mid-week game I retreated to my room where no one was allowed to bother me. I remember when I got particularly bad I ended up watching premier league years just to distract me. The night I had to be talked down from *drastic action* I ended up watching 14/15 so I could watch Hazard, Oscar and Diego Costa and remember how happy they made me when I was a teenager. I started collecting football shirts (a hobby that has turned out to be rather expensive but I love it nonetheless) and actually bothered to understand what xG actually does, though that only really led to me hating it even more as a stat.
When football was suspended I was struggling, like many I felt very directionless during the first lockdown. My focus was upon my own mental recovery and trying to be back stronger than I was before the breakdown. With the death of my grandma to deal with too it was no easy task. But when the Bundesliga came back it was a god send, my mum and I would watch as many of the games we could. Did we know most of the teams? Nope. Did we care about that? Did we bollocks, we were just happy to have football to watch.
Other football related things had helped me during this time, I was already a member of the IFS for Top Flight Time Machine, but Roy of the Rovers and re-listening to the Keegan odyssey helped me get through some days more than I can describe. I also became an avid watcher of HITC Sevens and Tifo during the same time.
With the return of the premier league I regained part of the spark that I had been missing. Almost every night gave me a different game to watch, I got rather invested in that season’s relegation battle because of this.
The escape that football gave me allowed me to get my hobby back and get my life back on track really. I would spend time thinking about what moment Pulisic would be involved in every Chelsea game, what awful refereeing decisions would happen, and what strange tactic would Pep use for his Man City team.
Even small things like having something new to talk about with my mates was a blessing, it made me feel not so alone in lockdown whilst living in the middle of nowhere.
To bring this to the modern day, the community I’ve found of fellow Chelsea and wider football fans brings me happiness and a sense of belonging that I’ve often struggled to find (that’s not to say my mates in real life don’t bring me an immense sense of happiness too). This isn't even to mention my Football Manager addiction and my subsequent rise within FM-Tok, (shameless self-plug, drdoomdefying).
I wrote this as the best way to express how much I am grateful to people who probably have no idea I actually exist. I also just want everyone that reads this to know its ok, it gets better. At the end if this I'll leave a suicide helpline number in case anyone ever feels as low as I did.
So thank you football, the beautiful game, the game that saved my life. And thank you for reading.
- The Football Student
Samaritans website (both the number and the email are on the homepage): https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/?gclid=CjwKCAjwy42FBhB2EiwAJY0yQjZbHJuGj1QXqs3gUdB44tYVyX_LNXDbNeSIsuaOn7Ax7CfpOwivpBoCoycQAvD_BwE
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